An Authentic, Sometimes Gritty, and Always Hopeful Blog for All Who Live with Severe Physical Pain

Monday, August 1, 2011

Humbled, again...

What my pain feels like – search word

The pain with which I journey humbles me in a thousand different ways.  Yesterday was one example.

My husband and I were on our way to church, planning to arrive early so I could check-in with our pastor to review my role for the day-- opening the service, praying, and giving the announcements. 

Less than five minutes from our home, however, burning, electricity begins to slice through the lower right side of my face, the kind of pain that I can tell from experience, is going to hang around a while.  Warren knows the drill, and turns the car around to take me home.  We drive home silently, as it hurts to talk, however, thoughts roll through my head like dark, heavy-laden thunder clouds.  Pastor Dave will likely be very anxious by the time Warren gets back to church. I picture him scrambling to find someone to fill my role, and wonder when he does, if this person will feel overly nervous, from having little time to prepare. I fear this might set an awkward tone for the whole service. Helplessness nags at me, along with frustration that the pastor may decide I am too ill to be asked to serve in such a public role in the future. 

When Warren leaves me at home, I drop my purse and bible on my kitchen table, but as I do, for some reason I turn to look back at my bible.  As I do, a whisper of a question runs through my head, asked in kindness, rather than in accusation:

“Have you forgotten?”  

A switch is pressed and the light comes on, vaporizing at once, those swirling dark clouds.  “Forgive me, Lord.  Yes, I have forgotten, yet again.”

I forgot that I am not responsible for how people feel or how things will ultimately turn out.  This is big for me, because most of my life, I have been very focused on fixing things and people.  I worked hard at creating situations and events that were deemed “successful”.  Mistakes or even circumstances beyond my control caused me great angst.  God still needs to shake me up to remember this:  God is more able than I am un-able!  Did I not think he cared about how worship service would go?  Of course he did, and he made sure everything fell into place just fine. My worry was wasted. 

I also forgot that it is in my weakness where God reveals His strength.  For almost six years now, I have remained in the game of life,  living as authentically as I know how to do.  I am honest about my pain, my fears and my temptations to give up at times,  yet through it all I have hung onto my faith and trust in God as the one who is in control of my life.  Many have told me that my doing so has served to bolster them through their own difficult pain places.  This amazes me. 

The origins of the word “humility” include words like “laid low” and “humiliation”.  Not descriptors  that, were it up to me, I would have chosen to apply to my life. Yet, in the Master’s care, they are good words for me and for others.

Bless you in your journey with pain.  Until next time--

What my pain feels like – search word

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