An Authentic, Sometimes Gritty, and Always Hopeful Blog for All Who Live with Severe Physical Pain

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

On Understanding “Why”


If we feel we have to understand why God does the things He does, (or doesn’t do the things He doesn’t do) we will never have peace.  Trust always requires that we will have unanswered questions in our lives.

I am in that place, once again, of experiencing unexplained and untreated severe pain. For over five weeks now, pain has raged, worsening steadily, so that now I have agonizing head pain 24 hours a day, except for a few hours at night when I fall into fitful sleep. My neurologist, even for an emergency appointment, is not available for months, so my wonderful general physician has walked alongside me, upping my medication dosages, as well as prescribing a short pack of steroids to no avail, while he tries to get a consult with my neurologist and neurosurgeon.  On Friday I will undergo a brain MRI he has scheduled.

Unrelenting, agonizing pain upon pain.  It couldn’t come at seemingly a worse time. My precious mother-in-law had a stroke three weeks ago.  I spent Christmas Day alone as the rest of the family traveled to sit by her bedside, knowing her time was short. They were right, as she flew free of her body of death a few hours after Christmas Day to soar to Heaven. Praise God, she is with him now! 

Yet, tormenting pain has prevented me from being much support to my husband; even less to the rest of the family. A friend will drive me to the funeral tomorrow which is about 2 hours away. I am not traveling with the rest of my family because I am sure I won’t be able to stay very long.

Oh, but friends, I am NOT in despair! I do not ask “why”!  If I were to do so, I imagine God answering me, as he called an accounting to Job:

“Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation?
Tell me if you understand who marked off its dimensions?
Surely you know who stretched a measuring line across it?
On what were its footings set or who laid its cornerstone 
while the morning stars sang together,
and all the angels shouted for joy?”
(Job 38:4 - 7)

When Jesus appeared to the disciples in his resurrected body, and Thomas could not believe him until he touched the very wounds in his body, Jesus said,

 “Because you have seen me you believed, but blessed
 are those who have not seen yet have believed.” 
(John 20:29)

I can believe, without seeing what God is up to. I can because I know He loves me, and I trust Him.

I am not going to make the devil even a little bit happy
by wasting my time being worried or doubtful.


Until Next Time,

Judi



4 comments:

  1. Sending our love to you and your family at this difficult time. I am typing with tears in my eyes and a heavy heart-- hoping to send strength and freedom of pain as you make your journey tomorrow and Friday.
    Ginger and Joe

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  2. Thank you, dear friend! God is in His Heaven and all is well.

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  3. Judi,
    The timing of this comes just when I need it so desperately! My pain has soared, too, and it is a different pain than what I usually experience. I have been pondering the whys of it, but told myself not to go there. I gave my life to the Lord years ago. He is the potter, I am the clay. It does boil down to trust, just as you said. I needed to hear that today.
    I'm really sorry that you're having so much unexplained pain. I pray for you every day and will continue to do so. I hope the MRI will be helpful. My sympathy to the family in the loss of Warren's mother.

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  4. OMGsh...Ginigirl...my reply didn't show up...I just discovered this...I'm not good at this blogging stuff! I have been praying for you, though!! Let me know how you are, "clay girl"! The potter is surely changing me, and I want to say, "Make me like this...not that!" What a humble journey this is! Email me if you want to do so. Blessings

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