An Authentic, Sometimes Gritty, and Always Hopeful Blog for All Who Live with Severe Physical Pain

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Wondering What Will Happen/ Surgery Tomorrow

The creator is in charge of His creation
Tomorrow, I undergo some exploratory surgery (mentioned in my June 29 and July 12 postings) hoping to explain an odd darkness that showed up on an x-ray, as well as to identify the cause of mild pain I was having in that area.  Over the month as I have waited for the surgery date to arrive, this mild pain has exploded, finally culminating in a full-on trigeminal neuralgia attack yesterday--I haven’t had one of those in a long, long time.  Obviously something is up.

The lightning-like strike of pain hit me while I was walking on the treadmill--just to the right of its old place--beginning in my upper lip, traveling both up into my sinus area and my right eye, and downward into my teeth, tongue, lips, chin, lower jay, and neck, leaving behind a deep hot-poker like burn.

Hot Flash…Tearing of Flesh, Muscle, Tendons, Bone…
Sizzle and Pop like Firecrackers Radiating Upwards and Downwards…
Hot Poker Stabs… Searing, Burning Flesh to the Brain…

I can’t help but marvel at pain--how many ways it can be experienced, and the depth of its experience--particularly when nerves are miscommunicating to the brain.  When these attacks appear, how can my face NOT be ripped open, burned, or bleeding like it feels it is?  How can my teeth, lips and tongue be in place, when it feels as though they have been torn out? 

When I feel like I cannot experience any greater pain than I have and still remain alive, something deeper happens  After the initial strike I felt as though I was being struck on  the right side of my head--just above my hear-- by a smooth river rock--maybe 4 inches in diameter.  Again and again, the rock was thrown and hit approximately the same mark, although sometimes it hit the top of my head, and sometimes in managed to be lobbied all the way over my head and land on the left side. 


(How can it be that my head doesn’t bounce around from the impact?!)

I ran from the treadmill to my bedroom at the opposite end of our long upstairs hallway, then back to the exercise room, all the while crying aloud this portion of the Psalms, words I sometimes cry out in pain, when all other thoughts fail me:  

“Listen to my prayer, O God, do not ignore my plea;
hear me and answer me please!...
My heart is in anguish within me, the terrors of death assail me…
Fear and trembling...horror has overwhelmed me!...
Oh, that you would change me into a bird and I
could fly away from here and be at peace!”

(Psalm 55, various)

Then, running to my room, and collapsing face-down on my bed, I cried from my heart:

“How long, Lord, how long!  What purpose, this?
Lord, please save me…I cannot bear this!   I am undone!”

Finally, no words; simply sobs. 

Only a few of you who read this could have withstood those sounds.  I sobbed the kind of other-earthly moans that one can’t help but instinctively turn away from because they are far too private and far too painful to witness.   

Unspoken despair that only a Holy God can comfort.

…and He did.  In time, the pain eased off enough for me to recognize that I was feeling better.  I got up, and washed my face gently with a warm cloth and combed my hair.  I walked downstairs and poured myself some lukewarm tea, to be careful not to set off the pain again.  Although the pain remained heavy, it improved through the day, and God allowed me to sleep well last night.  Today, I’m tired…pain is still at 7 out of 10, on the scale in my head.  I’m able to write, and thank God for the day’s provision.

Tomorrow will come what may. Will surgery bring help, or will it bring simply more awareness that this pain is beyond the reach of medical professionals?  Only God knows.  And only He will provide the way through it, or out of it, according to His will.

My prayer is like King Jehoshaphat when he was surrounded by much stronger armies who, by all visible means, should have defeated him.  He said,

“We do not know what will happen.  But, our eyes are on you.”  2 Chronicles 20: 12 b

Lord, give me the faith that King Jehoshaphat
 had when he faced those armies.
I do not know what will happen,
but, I will look to you.
This is always the best and
only thing to do, anyway.

I’ll write to you on the flip-side,





  1. Judi, thank you for writing from the depths of your soul. My heart goes out to you as I pray that the God of all comfort will bring you His healing and peace. It remains a mystery as to why we must endure this pain, but your faith in our Lord through it all stands as a testimony to your trust in Him.

  2. I just got over here today. By now your surgery is over. I'm sorry I didn't know ahead of time, I would have been praying.

    Bless your heart. This was a soul-wrenching post. I could feel your heart.

    How I pray this surgery has helped you. I can't wait to hear the news. God bless you as you rest and recuperate! With love to you, Diane

  3. Many blogging today. Update at bottom. Bless you!