I put off writing a post last week because I wanted to write about thankfulness, being that it was almost Thanksgiving and all.
However, I wasn’t feeling thankful--far from it. Instead, my heart was cloudy with intermittent chance storms while frustration, fear and anger ruled the week.
Frustration- It seems I’ve entered another season of those over-the-top awful migraine-like headaches / occipital neuropathy. (There’s no true medical classification that fits my symptoms.) It feels as though someone is throwing rocks at my head. Pebbles in the morning on the right side...as the day progresses, fist-sized rocks all over. I’m surprised not to look bruised and battered.
Disappointment - I can no longer wear glasses for more than a few hours each day before an entirely different part of my face begins to burn and ache. Apparently wearing my glasses has set off another branch of my trigeminal nerve, despite how light my glasses are, and how well they fit. Unfortunately, according to my eye doctor, Lasik surgery and contacts are not an option for me. Bummer.
Fear - I didn’t do myself any favors when, desperate for help for this hyper sensitivity to noise, which is preventing me from being in public places more and more, I did some research. I found a description online about my “cochlear hypercusis” that addressed something I hadn’t considered--the possible psychological impact of the disorder.
Anger - I became angry with God. I’ve been here before, and however much I want to be authentic in my postings, I would have done you no favors had I pressed the send button on that posting last week. Because I was caught up in such a hopeless state of self-focus, it would not have served you, me or the intent of this blog any good.
Expressing anger with God, is nothing new, however. David did so in the bible, as in the scripture below:
“O Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever?
How long will you look the other way?
How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul,
with sorrow in my heart every day?
How long will the enemy have the upper hand?”
Psalm 13: 1-3
(New Living Translation)
Even in my anger, I knew if I would simply quiet myself, open my bible to the familiar places of scripture where He has lead me to before; and if I would fill my mind with uplifting music; or do any of the other things I knew to do...it would draw me back to Him. The One who has always provided a way through.
Have you ever wanted to stay angry with someone for a while
because you felt justified...and wanted to languish in it?
As if letting it boil a bit longer would improve your “case”
against the other person, and possibly cause the
other person to apologize or give into you?
|(Teenagers can be really good at this!)|
Maybe you never have behaved like this because you are more mature than me. Can you believe I was behaving as though I could do this to God!
It was pretending...I knew that. This journey gets soooo long. My faith falters at the feet of dire suffering, where I want to try anything to get God to change it.
Saturday, I went for a walk being that it was a beautiful day. During my walk, I decided to call a dear friend. Though we have only met in person a few times, we are strongly knit together because we both love God (..you can get angry at those you love you know..) and both suffer from extreme physical pain.
I was so glad she answered. She listened patiently while I laid down my complaints, and humbly shared some of hers...which “trumped” my own, frankly (sans the “whining” part too.) While we talked,the Holy Spirit jarred me out of my funk. Peace and comfort blew those clouds away, and my foolishness became apparent. She didn’t even know any of this was going on inside of me,
And guess what God had been up to already? And was about to do?
He, the one I rejected all week, had nudged my whiny heart to call this particular friend because He already had planned the way for the Spirit in her to break through my wall. Pretty cool, huh?
There's even more! God also used my friend to offer me a practical option pertaining to my difficulty with wearing glasses. She has dry-eye syndrome as well, yet, her eye doctor didn’t reject contacts out-of-hand, as mine had done. Her doctor prescribed contacts designed especially for those with dry eyes and they work great for her! Of course, I have no idea if this might become a viable option for me, however, perhaps my doctor isn’t aware such a thing exists. Doctors can’t be up-to-date on everything--new products arrive every day. Regardless, I know God will take care of me...and my family somehow.
How He loves me despite myself! Who can fathom it?
“See what great love the Father has lavished on us
(we who have trusted in Jesus Christ as our savior),
that we should be called the children of God!
And that is what we are!”
1 John 3:1
Will I ever come to the place where I can walk in faith rather than in my own need to feel frustration, disappointment, fear or anger!
I don’t know...I hope so. Regardless, I am forgiven and forever loved by Him. I must not ever, ever, ever forget that.
Oh, such a Thanksgiving! And, I can be assured that no Black Friday will follow.
Blessings and Hope my friends and fellow sojourners,
|Happy Thanksgiving from all the Colemans!|